Groundhog's day?

Just in case you live in a cave and eat albino fish for dinner, Groundhog’s day is that weird holiday in February with the groundhog and his shadow supposedly predicting the weather. As a child, Groundhog’s day is just some lame holiday you don’t get presents or a day off from school for. As you grow older groundhog’s day is pretty much the same except you are able to talk about the weather for an extra 20 seconds. Talking about the weather seems to become more important as you grow older. Even though Groundhog’s day, the Bill Murry film is universally recognized as the ultimate date movie, Groundhog’s day is a tame and largely insignificant holiday that most people never, ever think twice about.

But was it always this way?

If you look up the origin of Groundhogs day on Wikipedia, it will probably give you some completely plausible and sensible explanation that any person in their right mind will be satisfied with. But we here at Lightbulb Detective Agency say “HOGWASH! …UTTER HOGWASH!” Read on brave reader…if the taste of truth does not burn your tongue!

In the 14th century, one hundred years before the Sawney Beane Family’s reign of terror, a plague of bizarre mayhem gripped the western coast of Scotland. According to Wilber Hamsandwichson in his controversial book The Secret History of Scotland, “Graunhaugg’s Day” was not just a silly holiday; it was a day of terror. Hamsandwichson has uncovered a long hidden manuscript that reveals the story of the “Graunhaugg”, a monstrous beast that menaced small Scottish villages every February for at least 15 years.

According to the manuscript, the monster was described as being “shaped like a man but as tall as two and a half men and covered in unbreakable green scales”. Allegedly possessing unbelievable strength and speed, the beast would tear through homes, villagers and anything foolish enough to be in its way with razor sharp, sword length claws. Strangely the “Graunhaugg” was said to have no face but one gigantic blood shot eye covering most of its head. The beast was also accompanied by the inexplicable and intense smell of burning wood.

Very little else is known about the “Graunhaugg”, other than it would suddenly appear every early February and begin its seemingly random attacks on the villages. Mostly damaging the villager’s homes, the beast appeared to have no obvious motive. It would not steal anything, and it never ate any of its victims or took any hostages. In fact the only people who were killed by the monster were those who attempted to attack it. The would be attackers were reportedly dispatched with blinding speed and brutality. One example tells of the beast reducing a group of 12 warriors to bloody sludge in a matter of seconds. Hamsandwichson theorizes the “Graunhaugg” was searching for something in those villages but what that could possibly be is anyone’s guess. Then after several hours of savage destruction the “Graunhaugg” would vanish as suddenly as it had appeared. No sign of the beast was seen again until its dreaded arrival the next year.

It is estimated that these fearful February attacks lasted for slightly less than two decades. Then for no apparent reason the beast vanished for good. Did the creature die? Did it find what was looking for? What was it looking for anyway? Why was the history of the beast hidden for so long? Why did the Villagers name the beast the “Graunhaugg”? What the heck kind of monster has a giant eyeball for a head? When did “Graunhaugg’s day” become “Groundhog’s day”? And more importantly, why did a yearly time of menacing mayhem become a quaint holiday about the weather? Wilbur Hamsandwichson Claimed he would answer all of these questions in his unfinished book The Secret History of Groundhog’s day but he vanished along with all of his notes early last February. His last known location was the western coast of Scotland.